Funke (name changed) has been dating her boyfriend for the past nine months and they have not been engaged in love making, aside kissing and other oral intimate acts.
This has been a cause for Funke’s worry, as she sorts for readers’ opinion on the issue. Expressing her worry y, she writes:
My boyfriend and I have been together, dating for nine months now, and we’ve not had sex. We’ve done some things but no intercourse. I’ve asked him about it and he says he generally waits awhile before having sex. I have had mixed feelings about this. I feel confident about our relationship, I know he truly loves and wants to be with me but I feel like nine months is a little long to wait, like he doesn’t want me sexually. Is it abnormal to wait this long?
Below are advises from readers:
I always say that “normal” and “abnormal” aren’t terribly useful labels. No two people are ever in a relationship that’s “normal” — or average — in every way. We’re all different. We’re all abnormal in some ways.
In other words, your boyfriend isn’t a freak who’s weird or strange or deceptive just because he’s waiting. Your boyfriend could have valid reasons for taking it slow. Maybe he’s been hurt by before. Maybe sex represents more of a commitment for him. Maybe he’s dealing with some difficult sexual history. Maybe he’s insecure or young or just very cautious. Maybe he’s trying to reconcile sex with his faith. I don’t know.
I do understand why you worry: So many guys don’t want to wait. Like, ever. So tell him you’re confused. This is a conversation you need to have with your boyfriend, even if it’s awkward — and even if it’s hard to bring it up and actually talk about it for more than a few seconds. Even if this not a rejection — and I don’t think this is one — I know it can feel like it. Yes, it may seem like he doesn’t want you. But this is really more about him than you. And you say you “know he truly loves and wants to be with me.”
Before you take it personally, be a little brave, remind him how much you care about him, and tell him that you just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to have sex with someone as hot and amazing as yourself. (It’s OK to tease him.) Tell him that you’d like to know more about where he’s coming from — more than that he just “generally waits.” And tell him why you are ready. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.
The reason you should really talk this out is the same reason why I don’t like the word “abnormal.” It doesn’t matter what he does “generally,” just as it doesn’t matter what’s “normal.” This is just about the two of you and nobody else. What matters is that you find a way to talk about important things as you build a relationship that works for both of you.