Husbands are great at sex, don’t get me wrong. But for guys, sex can be easy — get excited, make your move, and start thinking about baseball if it’s all moving too fast. Women are a little more … complicated in bed. And no matter how long a guy has been married to his wife — or how understanding he is in all other aspects of their lives together — there are just some things he’ll never understand about their sex life. Husbands of the world, consider a little empathy when it comes to these things.
1. Women don’t want you to change up your foreplay techniques all the time. When a woman compliments you on your oral sex or clitoris-rubbing skills, what she really means is, “Please keep doing exactly what you’re doing right this minute. Now isn’t the time to get experimental. Yes, I know your tongue can rotate and zip around like a frog on speed. But, really, I meant it when I said it, you’re doing great just like that. Please, please, please don’t change speeds and — oh no, you went faster. Orgasm has been lost. Back to the orgasm drawing board.”
2. The agony that goes into maintaining a woman’s pubic hair. A lot of women are waging constant war with their public hair. Those who wax submit to modern-day torture once a month. Those who trim agree to allow a sharp object come within centimeters of their clits. Sure, you can say, “Nope, I don’t mind a full-on bush!” but therein lies the problem: Women know you don’t want to go down on them and wind up with a load of hair in your mouth. Women get it — don’t want your pubes in their mouth either. This can be an enormous stressor!
3. Pre-sex bathroom trips are a must. Women use the bathroom before sex to empty their bladders, give their vaginas a quick clean if they’ve been out all day and oral sex is on the table, maybe moisturize theirs legs and arms with coconut oil, and brush their teeth. This sometimes means stopping a hot moment to run to the restroom. Since men can just whip out their penises and be ready to go, they’ll never understand what it’s like to be responsible for that mood-killing moment.
4. …As are post-sex bathroom trips. Sorry not sorry for all the time in the bathroom. Women want to spoon (well, some do), but we really need to jump out of bed immediately after sex and go pee to avoid a dreaded UTI. Do you have any idea how painful UTIs can be? They’re like mini deaths you experience while still alive. No matter how many times your wife or girlfriends past ever complained about chronic UTIs, you don’t know until you know. Try having a UTI-stricken vagina for the day. Then you’ll get it. Until then, don’t take it personally.
5. Go easy on the breasts. Thank you for loving my breasts. But take it easy. Even if a woman loves a hard squeeze in the middle of sex, it’s better to work up to that by starting off slowly. The slower you go, the more a woman want it — and your patience will be rewarded.
6. Using lube doesn’t mean you suck in bed. There are times when lube may be needed and you shouldn’t take it personally. Consider this: Just like how sometimes it’s harder for you to get hard, there are days when work is stressful and it’s more difficult for women to get into the right mind-set to relax and become fully lubricated. To that end, there are times of the month, particularly right after a lady gets her period (something a man just wouldn’t know, because science) when a woman’s body just naturally produces less lubricant. And there are times in a woman’s life (while breastfeeding, for example, another thing a dude wouldn’t know) when her juices won’t be flowing as much. It has nothing to do with how much you’re desired — so break out the lube and get on with what’s really important.
7. Appreciate woman’s lingerie, dammit. Quality lingerie costs a lot of effing money. I know you’re more interested in what’s underneath a lace teddy, but try and keep in mind that I made the effort to buy something sexy (which, did I say it costs a lot of effing money? Yes, I did, but worth repeating) and sometimes, women want to feel like sex goddesses for at least 10 minutes before you rip the lingerie off our bodies. Just 10 minutes — deal?
8. Women may still be horny after sex. It’s not crazy for women to want to have sex again shortly after an orgasm. I understand that your body functions differently and I’ll respect your need to fall asleep post-climax, but if you catch your wife quietly touching herself on the other side of the bed, don’t call her a freak. Maybe help her have another orgasm? Your hands still work. Good things come to those who give, you know.
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