Eight things you need to stop judging men for


Ladies who are single could be very picky and could pass judgment easily about who they will and won’t date.

But the truth is, your Mr. Right could just be right under your nose and it may never cross your mind to look closely because you are looking at the wrong things.

Do you fit into that picky category? Tana Gilmore and Kelli FIsher from Essence list 8 things single ladies need to stop judging men with.

  1. Is he shorter than you by one inch or five?: This makes a big difference. During our coaching sessions, we peel back the onion and learn that the real reasons our clients desire someone taller is because it makes them feel safe and secure. He may not be the tallest guy, but consider his other strengths regarding his masculinity and how he may exhibit a take-charge position. This is also a sign of security and protection. You may have to swap out 5-inch heels for a 3-inch pair, but if he is confident he wouldn’t care either way.

  2. Dating outside his race or tribe: We understand this topic is a touchy one, but news flash: we do this too. Interracial dating has been going on for years. Women have been publicly dating other ethnicities since the early 70s and before. Olivia Pope of ABC’s Scandal was not the first black woman to date a white man on TV, ladies. Remember Helen Willis of the 70s hit sitcom The Jeffersons? We are expanding our plethora of options and that’s okay. He has that option too!

  3. Their salary our income: We have heard many older women in our families preach the wisdom that says you want a man who can help and provide for you financially. Of course you do, however, we must also try to help ourselves. Make sure you are in a position to bring something to the table too. The overall goal is to work together to create a great life without the stresses of financial burdens. It’s not so much about his salary, but rather that it’s more about how he manages his income and his financial responsibility.

  4. His style of dress: One afternoon we were out with a client on an off-site coaching session to gain a better understanding of the type of man she found attractive. She continuously pointed out the sharp dresser with the most expensive shoes and watch. (This guy is quite popular with the ladies.) Instead, we pointed out a very casually dressed man wearing khakis and a nice golf shirt who had the look and posture of an educated and intelligent man. Our point was this: Don’t worry so much about his clothes before you get to know him—one appointment with a tailor and he’s a new man.

  5. The size of their hands and feet: Okay ladies, all we can tell you here is this: please don’t believe everything that you hear. Enough said.

  6. How many kids they have: By the time we are in our 30s and 40s, most of us have been in previous relationships and we have made some bad decisions along the way. If he has multiple children, by several women, evaluate each situation. He may not have drama with the children’s mother. He may take care of his children and attend school plays and parent teacher conferences too. Each father is different. Don’t discount them all. After all, making not having kids a non-negotiable item on your list of deal-breakers is eliminating a very large pool with each passing year.

  7. Whether he’s a blue or a white collar worker: There are many positive attributes to having either a blue-collar or white-collar lover. Most women we speak with telling us that they don’t actually have a preference when it comes to whether or not they’re dating a mechanic or a CFO. They’re most concerned about how a man treats them and whether or not they are okay with her executive position or title. Some of the stereotypes have labeled blue collar men as “fixers and handy” and white collar men as “smart and polished.” Let’s remove these titles altogether. Does he have proper work-life balance? Is he diverse? Does he treat you well? These things are key. Don’t compartmentalize men based on their chosen professions.

  8. His looks: A “fine” man wearing that title on his forehead comes with a high price, ladies. You may find yourself competing with a boatload of other women or even him. We tell women that the average looking guy will think you’re a beauty queen and wear you like a badge of honor. Over time he will become better looking than Idris Elba to you. We advise you to look for a man that is smart with an amazing personality, who is supportive, makes you laugh and can push you beyond your comfort zone. What we see time and time again as coaches are that a man may not be your first choice initially based on his looks, but when you go on a date, two or three times with a man who exhibits these qualities you may be pleasantly surprised about how you really feel about him.

Cheers, to love: Ultimately we want our sisters to be happy in love. Our desire is to help you expand your options and not limit yourself. Our challenge to you is to take a look around for those guys you have placed in the “friend zone” and re-evaluate the points on this list. If he exhibits more than half, he may be worth taking a second look. Here’s to love!

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